One of the new habbits.

Living alone, or "alone with a dog" is like a life style. And the one who tries this drug, especially if this person lived all previous years within a big and even loud family, soon becomes an addict of his new habbits, unfamiliar ever before.

One of my "newly-gained" habbits which gives me a fantastic feeling of "being intelligent and sweet", I'd say my favourite habbit, is buying in the nearest supermarket* several magazines and "Skittles" weekly/once in two weeks.

Those are Business magazines and my favourite magazine "The Russian reporter", which criticizes the Russian reality roughly and which is the only truth-telling Russian magazine I read in my life.

Living alone turned into more reading, more thinking&analyzing than ever, especially about family values, phoning - to family and grandparents mostly...

Living alone changed my attitude to my grandparents on 180 degrees: I call more, I ask more, I listen more. Still not perfect, though.

Let me tell you something I have never-never told to anyone in all the details.

Once there lived a girl. A little dare devil, a leader and very ambitious. She loved her parents very much, but didn't like when they beated her. And they beated her for getting bad marks at school and no wish to study. One evening the girl wanted to ask her Dad something, but he seemed to be already sleeping. So the girl came up to Dad and called him. The Dad had a very bad day and being sleepy pushed the girl painfully. Years have passed. And once late in the night the girl saw her Dog lying in a red liquid, what looked as if the dog had vomited. The girl wanted to call her Dad but he was sleeping. The Dog looked at the girl with very sad wet eyes. The Dog was crying.

It smelled awfully and the girl hid under the blanket. Woke up to open windows, counted minutes and finally fell asleep.

In the morning, as soon as the girl opened the eyes, Dad entered the room and said: "The Dog died. Doctors said we lost some hours.". He said it in the way he used to say the porridge was ready. But this tone was just to hide his pain.

The next 4 years the girl always jumped over the place where the dying Dog was lying and woke up in tears.

3 years later the girl was still a dare devil, still a leader and very ambitious. She became a very diligent student and spent hours preparing her homework for school. Her Great Grandma lived with her family, but the girl did everything to avoid seeing her Great Grandma as she smelled badly, was old and boring. But once Great Grandma died, just a day before the girl's Dad Birthday. He told about this to the girl in the car on their way home. The girl felt a bit uncomfortable with this fact and one little tear fell down from her right eye.

She didn't feel any sorrow. Nothing she felt.

In two years time, the girl woke up in the night crying. It was hard to breathe. The girl started praying. The girl prayed for God and her dead Great Grandma to forgive her. She prayed: Jesus, Granny forgive me. I was so stupid. Granny, I know why you died. The whole life I begged God for you to live 100 years. I believed you would live as long as Your Great Grandma who lived 115 years. I believed in you. But when I became a diligent student, the studying euphoria and success made me blind. God, please, let my Granny live peacefully in heaven. God, please, let my Granny live peacefully in heaven and please ask her to forgive me I have never told her I love her, never spoke to her more than 10 minutes.

I know this girl. And she told me once how she prays: " Dear God, please, give health to every person in the world, especially who needs it. God, please, give every bird, fish, snake and all animals in the world health, especially which needs it. God, please, let all living creatures live happily, have food and water. If those are people, God, please, give people the money, because they can buy food and water having the money. God, please, give health to my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and other relatives. Please, give health to my friends and fellows. Please, give health to all dear people of my dear people. Please, give health to all people I know and do not know, to all people I love and do not love: just because I am not acquainted with them. God, please, let everything in the sky, on Earth and under it live peacefully. And please, God, I ask you for preventing people's deaths from things they created themselves: cars, machinery and planes. And please, God forgive me for my sins. And forgive me for my fear not to find the way to prolong my Great Granny's and Dog's lives."

...Tonight I also purchased a film "The cider house rules", which won two Oscars in 2000. I hope it's worth 5$ I payed :)... I have recenly watched "Lions for lambs" and it is an extremely thought-provoking, wise film.

...Living alone has some drawbacks, you know?.. Like my Dog Naja behaved strangely when I came back home at 00:30. Later this witty animal runed towards the door and back, and again. And I patiently put on my new waterproof boots and we went out... Tail up, tongue out, she did everything needed and disappeared. I slowly went to the children's playground, where she was exploring the variety of smells. 1:00 is not the best time to go out, but it's the best time to listen to the silence of the suburbs and then run with your dog until you can not breath and finally fall down in the wet snow and catch tiny snow flakes with your lashes, then look at the new bootprints on the snow and smile to them. Noone sees you, but at such moments You see deeply. Hard to define which occasions are an advantage. Hard to indicate which occasions are a disadvantage. But maybe right is the proverb which states that everything what is done is for better.

....

Well, I have new boots and that's amazing. It's a benefit, because they will keep my feet warm. But my previous boots are now sad. That's a drawback. In my previous boots I fell in love and visited museums and went to the conservatory. They had kept my feet warm before I bought the new boots. But if I wear my old boots, my feet will get cold. And that's a disadvantage. So I will put my old friends in a wardrobe and will keep them for ages. I love saving things. They are all memory. Yes, I fell in love wearing my old boots...

....

I didn't plan to write anything today, except I like my new habbit. While writing I cried two litres of tears. Sometimes I ask myself why I started this blog.. It's extremely painful to write sacramental thoughts here. I am like a voodoo doll, jabbing needles into myself. This is cons. But this is also pros, especially if it gives YOU any idea why I live and makes you think why you live, my dear friends.

Lizvet

*24/7, 1 minute from my house.