Random thoughts... End of 2nd week July. Light. Water colours. Painting Album of the 19th century.

I am in good terms with each of my ex-boyfriends. My best friends in life are my ex-boyfriends. At least, 3 for sure. People who respect me and love. Maybe the relationships weren't built on sex and desire. They were, too. But Kisses... We often point out with Love that there is a special philisophy of kisses. And sometimes you kiss a friend tenderly in lips because you show your kindness, love and respect to him. People take "french" kisses as kisses between lovers. They are not. Once I kissed S. and it was the first kiss I gave someone myself. I have never been a leader in kisses loving when men take the advantage of me. I thought for a while I fell in love. And I fell in love. But with a friend, not lover. And maybe that was one of my greatest kisses ever: so sincere and sweet.

And one more sad thought for me. Many sucessful marriages are built on friendship in past.

These are random thoughts. But they mean a thing.

Interesting, but I found these (denying all just said) lines in my July's blackwritings while preparing for this post:

"..I also was thinking that I have a lot of friends who are boys/men... And speaking about very best friends, there are more M than F in my life. I tried to analyze what makes it so...and was shocked by the idea... that it's a sexual desire between guys and me. And I think, that's it. Moral principles or a wish to leave the relationship as it's now and develop only 'friendship-side' of it prevents the relationships from sex, but the sex desire expands making people closer to each other, talks more sacramental and as a result the interest of both sides to each other continueously grows up.

I also have a special girlfriend in my life. And while discussing this all with her she... gave me an incredible (for me) idea that there's a sexual girl-to-girl desire as well... And that's true. I know some examples. And finally, curious about the guys in this case.

What's more... I raised this topic talking to Krolik and she confirmed about boyfriends' stuff... I'm gonna make a research once maybe =) ".

I think in my own simple unscientific messy way I arised a very serious question here: How relationships are built? What makes them develop? Is there more between "just friends" or ,on the contrary, friendship feelings are so strong and pure that they are realized in the easiest human actions like kissing. Take in the account, gender plays an important role here too... and you'll see the mess I have in my head. But it's the essential mess. Chaos leads to truth.

Eventually, listen to Billie Holiday's or Helen Merrill's (specially) "Just friends":

Just friends

Lovers no more

Just friends

But not like before

To think of what we've been

And not to kiss again

Seems like pretending

It isn't the ending

Two friends

Drifting apart

Two friends

But one broken heart

We loved we laughed we cried

Then suddenly love died

The story ends

And we're Just friends

We loved we laughed and we cried

Then suddenly love died

The story ends

And we're Just friends...

John Klenner / Samuel M. Lewis